In A World of Black and White

Today I am wearing BLACK and WHITE. That used to be all that I wore. All that I liked. All that I saw. I thought it was classic...which it is but Landen felt that I needed to embrace COLOR. So if anyone has any complaints of what a COLORFUL person I have become that would have to be blamed on Landen.
I remember shopping with my brother and him saying, "What about those red shoes?"
"Landen, RED does not go with everything and it stands out too much!"
"That's the point, "S"! ...and red goes with more than you think."
So I would try the red shoes and surprisingly enough I found more than one outfit to tango with the shoes.
I had a black sweater which I enjoyed wearing with everything and he encouraged me to give it up for blue.
Landen would get me the most ridiculous looking jewelry and accessories as gifts but when tried on it was difficult to go back to my plain and sensible BLACK and WHITE world.
Not long ago a friend asked me where I got all of my ridiculous jewelry and if I wore it because I actually liked it. I laughed and asked, "Why? Don't YOU like it?"
"Well, it's just I have never seen the stuff you wear anywhere else?"
Again, I laughed and told him about my brother who helped me to embrace COLOR...and that all of this stuff is all round...you just have to see it!
The other day I was telling Mary Lou the story of me painting my blue wall in my apartment...another story....and she said she would think that it would have to be that way. She couldn't imagine Larissa to be somewhere where there was not COLOR. I suppose that is the true thought that triggered this little jaunt...
Well there you go...
Landen taught me to be wise but fun. One does not always have to be sensible...just not completely foolish!
He taught me to live my life with a splash of COLOR embracing everyday with the creative prayer of "Lord, what can you make of today?". Life is so much more enjoyable with COLOR!

You Hold Me Now

So this morning I journeyed to Raleigh for a meeting. It was an odd morning because I had some more dreams about Landen. The dreams are kind of ridiculous. They have to do with me trying to tell him something but I never get to because I am hiding him or I can't catch him. Apparently I have much to tell him...
Anyway, the drive reminded me too much of the drive I took that October morning to the airport. I felt sick to my stomach but numb. I prayed and God filled my mind with peace and this little song poured through the speakers of my little Tracker. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qx2-Inc8TkA
At the meeting I discovered one of our children's pastors from North Carolina lost his wife this morning to some condition of the heart. My heart immediately pained for him. He is in my deepest thoughts and prayers.
I am so thankful God Holds Me anytime at any place.
He's just the glue that holds all of the intricate pieces of this girl together!!!
There are so many people going through so much today...I've talked with 3 people just this morning...Situations of life are never always fully understood but God holds all things together and someday it will all make sense. That is when our faith becomes sight. We may just have to wait for heaven for it all to make sense but in the meantime our minds can be in perfect peace when they are stayed on Him.

I Found a Card...

Yesterday I was going through some old boxes and came across some of my college graduation cards. My favorite of course was this winner from my brother. If there was ever any question in my mind that my brother was the BEST brother in the world ...IF being the key word...that question was cancelled.
The card read:
FRONT:
Sister, Just by being your unique and wonderful self, you show the world what you can achieve...
INSIDE:
I couldn't be more proud of you.
Happy Graduation with Love
HE WROTE:
Larissa,
This card is exactly what I wanted to say! I don't know if you know just how much that I look up to you and always have, but it is alot! You are so amazing and I know God is going to use you more than you know. I am so thankful for the time we've had at CBC, but even more so as siblings growing up. I pray that we always remain close no matter the miles or anything else in between us. For now, though, I want to say Congratulations for all of your accomplishments. Don't be afraid to take risks for God or let him take you past your "incapabilities". I am so proud to call you my sister and to see you graduate on into full-time ministry. What a fulfilling life. I know you will touch many lives and I know that God is smiling proud as can be upon your life today! I love you!
Landen


And I loved him soooo much...
Goodness...I was so proud of him...always. I hope he knew how much. I wish I could tell him again. I guess that is why I love posting on this little blog...because I want everyone to know how amazing Landen really was.
He pushed me to go beyond what I thought I could do and fall on Jesus and get back up with His strength!
March 1st is his birthday. It's funny how the heart knows that before your mind registers. Cloudy weather does not seem to help either but all is well and I will see him again soon. Until then...
I will live life to the fullest!

I am a PROMISE!

So... this weekend I went SNOWBOARDING for the very first time! I had never been skiing or anything of the sort...but absoluteIy loved it and want to go again! I took ALOT of falls but God gave me strength to keep getting up. Landen would have been so proud of me! He was always encouraging me to try something new and different. At the end of the day just before I returned my things I decided to try the slope ONE MORE TIME...I went down the entire slope ( a smaller slope but a slope nevertheless) without falling once and got off of the ski lift without even faltering!!! I was so thrilled!

All of that to say...yesterday I was extremely tired but I must have been too tired because my mind felt like some sort of a chase scene from Bourne Identity. There were literally so many thoughts filtering through my mind I could not stop talking!!! My friend Justin endured story after story after story after story yesterday...thanks Justin.

Anyway one of the stories made me smile...it was about Landen and his PROMISE song. I had the privilege of attending college with two of my cousins and brother (my junior and senior years). We loved eating lunch together...except Tuesday's which were fasting days for students...just like Wednesday's were pizza days in Zee's!
Anyway this is usually when we had the chance to hang out because our schedules were so entirely ridiculous... between work, school, and church we were booked. So our regiment following daily chapel services was to check mail, then stand in line at Zee's to get lunch, eat lunch then hurry to afternoon classes. Most of the time we spent more time in line then eating but we enjoyed catching up with each other while waiting in the eternal line. We talked about classes and schedules and relationships and what God was doing. If anyone was feeling too down or discouraged (not just in our little family but all around) Landen would put his arm around them and begin to sing...his favorite song which came from one of the cassette tapes we used to listen to at bedtime when we were children. The cassette was "KING OF MY HEART" and the song was "I AM A PROMISE" ...but he switched around the words to sing:

YOU are a PROMISE

YOU are a POSSIBILITY

YOU are a PROMISE with a capital "P"

YOU are a great big bundle of POTENTIALITY

and if you listen, you can hear God's voice and keep on trying to make the right choice

YOU are a PROMISE to be ANYTHING God wants ...

YOU are a PROMISE to be ANYTHING God wants ...

YOU are a PROMISE to be ANYTHING God wants YOU to be!!!

There were many times we sang together and others that I just sat back and watched as my brother ministered out the fullness of his life in Christ. Real JOY! And that part is still alive...because it is God's joy of promise within our lives. It carries through every uncertain moment. It helps us to get up every time we fall. It is God's design for us to share that JOY with others and our responsibility to embrace that gift of JOY which comes from God! It brings purpose and meaning to every life!

I actually found some versions on youtube if you want to check out the cheery little tune! Come to find out Veggie Tales even did a spunky rendition...who would know!?! I am sure that it will make your day as God used Landen to make so many days with this "promising" song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEsb6UgWNYE&feature=related

Remember: YOU are a PROMISE!

Too Many Funerals

There have been too many funerals as of recent.
They make me think.
Maybe too much...but it is good too. My heart hurts for the loved ones.
I can't help but regret not standing up to say something when Landen died. To be honest I thought I would just burst into tears and for about 2 weeks after Landen died my memory went completely blank. This scared me deeply. I never want to forget the incredible brother I had. He isn't one that just comes a dime a dozen...
so I have decided to work on a eulogy for my beloved brother.

Valentine's Day

Anyone who knew Landen personally knows that he had an AMAZING gift of making anyone feel of extreme value. I know many felt this from him.

There was a lady in Albany named Thomasina who told my mom that the thing that impressed her most about my brother was that he loved her without caring what she had been before she met the Lord. He showed no partiality and saw everyone with purpose and value.

Landen was always proud of me ...even when I felt there was nothing to be proud of. Sometimes I was so embarrassed to meet new people who he had talked to about me before I met them because I felt that there was no way to measure up to the way he spoke about me.

Valentine's Day was an extra special day for our family. My mother taught us that it is not just a holiday for "lovers" but for EVERYONE to express their love and appreciation toward one another. As many across our nation we bought small gifts and designed cards ...anything we could think of to make others feel special.

As we grew older Landen would have dates for Valentines Day but he would always squeeze me in. I remember one year in college Landen took out his girlfriend, then took our cousin Jocelyn for ice cream and me out after work just so that we were all cared for and felt special on VALENTINE'S DAY! He thought it most important.

Landen got married.

Landen loved and adored his wife.

...so much so that I had a dream about how much he loved her last night.

Even then...the last Valentine's Day Landen was alive he sent to me a package. Inside was a card (I loved Landen's cards!), a take-along- coffee mug with hearts on it and a Starbucks giftcard.

Wasn't he just the best brother?

He did even more beautiful things for his wife.

I guess that is why it hurts so much that he is away.

I love you, Landen...even though you are far away!