We Love U, Landen

A couple years ago my sister in law and brother travelled all the way down to North Carolina to visit me. I took them to the Outer Banks where we fell in love with Jockey's Ridge. I have not been back since, until yesterday.
Joyanna was down visiting with her mother and father and we went altogether. We decided to write a message in the sand in remembrance of Landen who especially enjoyed the dunes. He ran around like a little boy with a kite in one hand and his video camera in the other. He wrote little messages in the sand as well. I will never forget such delight!
Love and miss you, Landen!!!

Memories...

So, two years ago today my life changed forever. I didn't get married or have a baby...I lost my brother. I went through some pictures last night in honor of Landen because he loved pictures and home movies so much. I was overwlemed with memories. My Aunt Debbie texted me some little kid pictures this morning and that sent back even more memories. Every memory is so sweet and dear, except for the day of his death. As much as I try not to dwell on the thought of the day I am distracted. It was very fitting that my devotions were Psalm 57. The chapter talks about David's heart being steadfast.

God has made my heart steadfast. I am just filled with so many memories today:

We'll begin with the first thought. I awoke this morning in quite the reflective state...not in dread but full of memories. I decided upon Cocoa Wheats which was one of my brother's favorties for breakfast. I prayed and read my devotions (Psalm 57) then started into my day but still so distracted my focus on work stuff, so I decided to jot down a few thoughts.

My dad is in Haiti for some missions stuff and immediately my mind trails back to the many advenutres Landen and I had with our family in Haiti. I found some pictures last night of he and I with this little paper doll that one of the little girls at church sent with us. We had to take the paper doll everywhere and took pictures of it with us and many forms of transportation in Haiti...this was the only picture worth showing. The others were ridiculous!

Landen and I loved airports. Our first plane trip was when I was 4 and he 2 and we flew to see Shane (our cousin) born! My favorite trip with him ever was Okinawa. We loved watching people. There are so many emotions and interactions present at an airport. Actually, we enjoyed people wherever and whenever.

I have received many messages today via Facebook telling me how special Landen made certain ones feel. It was because each and every person was genuinely special to each of us...even if we didn't know them yet! We met people shopping,studying, taking our picture, eating out, traveling...all kinds. Landen was never afraid of what people thought, which made people feel at ease around him and carry a light heart.

One time he and Joyanna met my cousin Shane and I in Souix Falls, SD for an overnight outing. We had so much fun but one of the things we did was venture to the mall. Several times Joyanna and I could not find the two boys. Each time we found them in some sort of mischief. Halloween was around the corner so lots of disguises were worn. My favorite were the housecoats in Dillards. I believe I have written about them a time before but here it is again. Joyanna and I slowly rounded the a corner in the ladies apparel of Dillards only to be greeted by Shane in a purple housecoat and Landen in a pink housecoat. I scolded them momentarilly. As I was whispering why they should get out of the housecoats a little girl sneaked around a clothes rack, snapped a picture then hurried to her mother proclaiming victoriously that she had collected a photo. We all paused, then Landen said, "See S, everyone thinks it is funny!". Sure enough and we all laughed so ridicuouly from embarrassment and randomness.

I miss all of that!

I miss laughing when I was mad.

I miss feeling like the ugliest person and being encouraged.

I miss crying then laughing then crying then laughing.

I miss talking about nothing.

I miss random adventures with Landen.

28 years

I have wanted to write for such a long time but the circumstances of life would not allow me to do so. There has been much to anticipate and discover throughout the summer. I feel as though God has allowed me to be so busy to keep my hope renewed in Him. I am still having those dreams which seem so real but wear me out for the next day. The dreams are as simple as Landen and I walking around the Fargo Walmart ALL NIGHT long! Simple but emotionally and physically draining as I awake to discover Landen is not here let alone walking the earth and I feel as though I did not sleep one minute. With that I am still somewhat glad to have the dreams.
So, I have been going here and there with the kids at church and with other friends. I never really anticipated so much activity but I am grateful for every bit of it. Right before my birthday I received the grand opportunity to venture to Chicago and see my sister in law. In the airport I took out my laptop for abit but I had to put it away because my emotion was too stirred…
All I wrote: The airport is always an amazing place to think and watch people. Tonight I am in Charlotte, NC. I am on my way to Chicago to see Joyanna. It seems so strange to be going to see her without going to see Landen…still. It kind of makes me think of that October day I had to meet her in Albany.
Landen would have been so proud of both of us because neither one of us cried the entire weekend! It felt so warm to be together. We did everything the way we would have if he would have been around. We went from site to site squeezing in coffee shoppes along the way. Although Landen should have been there with us, between the two of us it felt like he was there.
Landen was always super at making anyone feel special. He threw the greatest surprises and got the best unexpected gifts, as I mentioned before in earlier posts. This year’s birthday reminded me of the year he put together a caravan of our friends and planned an entire day to St. Louis. We needed one more person to fill a spot so my friend, Kimberly and I chose Joyanna. I remember feeling awful because she didn’t get to ride with us and she HAD to ride in the passenger seat with Landen. What we did not know is this was a DIVINE OPPORTUNITY! Joyanna and Landen had the opportunity to get to know one another and liked what they discovered.
The entire day was beautiful. We took the metro all around the city. We found ourselves at Union Station, shopping downtown, eating at the Spaghetti Factory, playing cards at humungous park and viewing the ever spectacular Arch. While walking toward the arch my cousin Stephen and Landen rushed up behind me and hoisted me upon their shoulders as Landen loudly announced to the surrounding crowds of people that it was my birthday. “Attention EVERYONE! We are celebrating Larissa’s birthday!”. Then they all sang. This was my 22nd birthday.
This year I celebrated 28 years. It has now been 2 birthday’s Landen has missed but I am forever thankful for every other birthday he was present for.
When I go home I saw my bear sitting now on my dresser so that Mr. Bently can not reach it and I dared to press the furry little hand.
“Larissa, I love you so much. You are the best sister that anyone could ask for and my best friend. I want you to have a Happy Birthday and I want you to know that I will always be there for you.”

A New Little Friend

I brought home a puppy on Monday. He is a little morkie. Landen would be so incredibly happy for me. He always wanted me to have a dog because he loved dogs so much. He thought it was "just what I needed". I’ve held off so long because I guess I am so selfish but I feel like God would use this to take me to a greater level of maturity... so here we go...I may be starting yet another blog!

I was blessed to find the little guy. I have yet to name him…thinking of Martin, Luther, Bently, Franklin or Duncan…soon to come. I remember our first puppy was a Skipper. Dad named him. Landen and I came home from staying at our grandparents in Nebraska. I was 5 and Landen 3. Dad thought it was time for us kids to have a dog to learn some responsibility. A family had just moved to our town from Louisianna bringing a cocker spaniel and several little puppies and he got one for us! Skipper was nothing but a black fur ball. He grew and grew. Skipper chased us around the yard. He played house and church with us. He drug us on walks. Then a few years down the road we added to our family a black schnauzer. We named him Spritz. Spritz was very hyper but fun for us kids because he was much smaller and after 5 years ran out in front of car and was ran over. Our little hearts were crushed. 2 years passed. We continued to care for Skipper but our hearts missed Spritz and for Landen’s 13th birthday mom and dad took us to Henry, Nebraska (almost in Wyoming) to pick out a little schnauzer fro, m a litter. We came home with a tiny salt and pepper puppy who would be the best dog we ever had. We had the most terrible time coming up with a name for the little guy. We had thought about Duncan for him…Pepsi, Sherlock and Rascal but ended up with Colonel MacDuff and nicknamed him Duffy. In fact we had decided on Pepsi and went away for the weekend with out cousins. When we returned our mom called for “Duffy, come see who is home.”
“Duffy?”
“Well, your Dad and I thought he looked more like a Duff.”
So his name became Colonel MacDuff.
McDuff was actually more Landen’s dog than anyone’s...but I loved caring for our dogs with my brother. I'll have to locate some more pics.

District Council June 1-2, 2010

At Distirct Council this week. I remember a good many councils which we attended with our parents in the Nebraska district. I remember the services were always super and I enjoyed getting to see my cousins whose parents also were pastors and meeting people. During the morning sessions our mom would take us shopping or swimming then in the afternoon or evening we would attend the services.
This has been a great council. The James River Assembly team spoke. This moring we had a dear time in communion and they led out in the old song "The Blood Will Never Lose It’s Power". Wonderful song but also brought me back to singing with my family and also attending such valuable meetings with my family. I have never enjoyed ministering with anyone more than my brother. What a blessing and honor to minister with such a talented man of God.

Memorial Day May 31, 2010

Two years ago TODAY I met Landen and Joyanna in Baltimore where we stayed the night at the Hilton Garden Inn and spent the entire next day exploring good old Baltimore. We sang, “Good Morning Baltimore” all throughout the day!

Vacation May 30,2010

Vacation. Nothing like it. My friends Angie and Asa are coming for a visit today. This morning I awoke and went out for breakfast with a friend. On my way to pick her up on this bright summer morning I saw a gentleman wearing shorts and a “vacation shirt” crossing the asphalt lot! My heartbeat sped up a bit and I smiled because it was simply from the excitement of the thought of vacation.

Every year our family tried to take a break from everyday life whether it be a simple little get a way like a camping trip or a great vacation to Disney World. Landen and I loved vacation! A lot of times the smell of asphalt…fried foods or sun screen would excite us. We would say, “It smells like vacation!”.
Many times we would have countdowns. One year I remember a countdown starting 72 days out! I believe that was the year we took our foster brother and sister camping in Missouri! It really was one of our best vacation memories and most anticipated. We camped for about a week and went in and out of Silver Dollar City all week because we all had season passes. In the evenings we would miniature golf, swim or just hang out by the campfire roasting marshmallows, talking and joking. Of course we walked the Branson strip and went shopping.
My sophomore year of college our cousin Karlyn came down to Missouri and we showed her all around. Such warm memories…our favorite jokes of that week was that we were looking so forward to discovering Rockaway Beach. We had heard that is where the movie stars used to vacation. Once we arrived at the rundown resort and it was raining we were thoroughly disappointed but couldn’t keep from laughing and it has become a life long joke when faced with disappointments. This vacation was before everyone had debit cards. Landen and I had checking accounts but no one took checks! So we made many trips to walmart buying 25 cent packs of gum and writing the check for $20 over so we could have change! Praise God for Debit cards!!!
My senior year of High School we went to Disney World on frequent flyer miles. It was a dream fulfilled for my parents because they had always wanted to take us but never worked out until then. We had the time of our lives!
My favorite vacation of all was probably visiting our friend Itsuko Tiara in Okinawa, Japan. Just Landen and I went but we had such a memorable time. I wouldn’t have gone with anyone else!
I wish Landen was here to go on another vacation or I could take his little kids to Disney or visit them but I can’t…however someday I am going to take an eternal vacation.

My Haitian brother John wrote a song about that:
I’m gonna take a vacation
Past the moon and stars
I’m walk on those golden streets
No Traffic No cars
I’m gonna lay in the Sonshine
I’m gonna drink from the River of Life
I’m going home for vacation
I won’t be coming back!
So everytime you get a thrill of vacation coming…whether it be a scent or sound or feeling…keep in mind of the eternal vacation ahead! I’d be thrilled to have you join us!!!

Serving Banquets

I wanted to write last week but ...goodness...it has been so busy...One thing IMMEDIATELY after the other. I am actually going to take a break this weekend before summer sets in. I am going to see our little cousin, Sarah..who claims now that we are sisters!
I have missed Landen sooo very much this week. There are days where I find it absolutely unbelievable that he is gone. Once my mind finally conceives the horrible concept my spirit feels heavy. I would not trade the 23 years I had with my brother for many people's life time relationships. God blessed me with such a person...THAT is hardly believable!
Anyway...last week was the Chick-Fil-A Leadercast. My friend Stuart and I helped serve the food for it. It brought back all of me and Landen's banquet serving days. I don't know that there was anything we enjoyed more. We served at banquets, funerals, weddings, reunions...you name it...we were there...Every year our youth group would put on an extravagant Valentine's Banquet. There was a France theme...one year we did a cruise and even another year we did a cowboy theme. Our first year mom and dad made us sing some love song together but we didn't want to. Because we didn't want to sing, we didn't work at it too hard at it. When it came time to sing we forgot the words to the chorus...however miraculously we remembered the verses... but the remarkable thing was we sang the same words in harmony! No one but our parents knew!!! Once the song was done everyone applauded then we exited. When we reached the kitchen Landen said, "How embarrassing! We are NEVER singing together again! Never!"...yet we did and I enjoyed singing with my brother...just not love songs.

Pizza

I was running around like crazy today...by lunch time I was at the Nashville Campus and decided to pop in over across the street at LaMamma's for a slice of pizza. While eating and driving back to the main campus I thought of Landen. Pizza was our favorite. Growing up many Friday nights consisted of eating pizza and doing some family activity. When he and Joyanna moved to Albany Landen thought it was the best that instead running down to get a hamburger or a sandwich they ran down to get a slice of pizza. They had many excellent little pizza shoppes. When I visited that December Landen and Joyanna took me to get pizza after a long day of ice skating and exploring Albany. Landen insisted that I try Buffalo Wing Pizza and I am sure glad that he did because it was probably the most tasty slice of pizza I have ever absorbed! Delicious!!!

Rattlesnake Eggs at Dolly's Trinkets and Treasures

Philippians 4:13

Last night I was going through some old papers and found a note from my brother in 1996. We were homeschooling at the time and I was having some difficulty with Math and I felt like a complete and utter failure. There would always be a huge dramatic display at this time of day because I wanted to do well but I was not doing well and I was extremely frustrated.
Landen wrote:
My dear Sister:
I just want you to know that I am praying for you every time it comes time for you to do your math. I know you are frustrated. You are not stupid. Just remember Philippians 4:13. I love you! You can do it!!!
Love,
Landen
Today has been 1 year and a half since Landen left us.
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."
How wonderful to have had a brother to remind me of just that.

High Heels

This morning I talked with my Grandma Reynolds who has been sick for almost a year and a half with something called "gion beret syndrome". It has affected her strength to stand and walk. At Christmas she said many times, "I'm going to wear high heels again!".
This morning she said, 'Landen would be so proud of me!".
"Why is that?" I asked.
"Well, I wore high heels to church on Sunday...they weren't too high but they still had a heel!" . Not only that but she and Grandpa took a walk around the block! She is getting stronger everyday!!!
Landen would just be elated that she is doing much better but he was always obsessed with shoes, especially high heels. He always thought a lady looked classier with high heels. Praise the Lord he found a wife who felt the same way!

Lawns, Gardens and Driveways

Today is a beautiful, sunshiney kind of day! Growing up Landen and I lived for these kind of days…I think even after we became grown ups we lived for these days! I have the day off today and have spent much of the day catching up on a few things but I have had the rare opportunity to work in my tiny garden out back and sit on my front step reading and writing.
Several things come to mind:
First of all, every summer in between age 8 and 15(for me) Landen and I put together our own little flower bed to care for throughout the summer. As we grew older we were given the assignment to care for Mom and Dad’s. Landen cut the lawn and I took care of the flower beds. I cut the lawn only once but apparently I did not do so well because Dad said that we should just stick to Landen cutting the lawn.
Dad was always concocting some sort of strategy on how Landen should cut the lawn. Criss Cross, diagonal, up and down…this was all discussed at the dinner table from spring until fall. There was always some logic behind the plan. It was either to thicken the grass or to make the lawn look neater or something of the sort. Anyway, Landen concocted some of his own plans. One time Landen cut an “N” in the middle of the lawn to stand for Nebraska. I guess he thought we would show a little team spirit? Dad said that it was neat but Landen needed to go ahead and cut the entire lawn. Another time Landen thought it would be wise to put the lawn mower on the lowest cutting level so that he wouldn’t have to cut grass for a while…the grass was cut quite short and burned and Dad was not pleased.
Almost every house we lived in growing up had a row of rhubarb in the backyard. For those of you who do not know what rhubarb may be it is characterized as a tart fruit that many times is baked into desserts mixed with strawberries. They are green steams with leafy heads. You tear off the red casing around the stem, wash and enjoy. Landen and I enjoyed just eating this delicious, tart treat in the back yard. Many times Landen had a salt shaker or sugar bowl to take the tartness away but most of the time we ate the rhubarb just the way it was. We would either pretend we were running away (inspired by the Boxcar Children and On Our Own) or lost (inspired by Hatchet and or just being adventurous) and living off the land. Sometimes we would just find a spot to sit and chat while enjoying the tart treat. It hardly seems like summer without a bit of rhubarb.
Once we lived in a house with mulberry bushes. Needlesstosay, many summer dinners were spoiled between feasting off the mulberry bushes and rhubarb in the back yard!
The driveway to our house from age 8 to 15 had quite a steep incline. Landen and I would set the our Radio Flyer Red Wagon at the top, load up, look for cars, push off and rolldown the driveway into the street…then rush the wagon back to the top of the driveway and replay again and again. When my mother discovered what we were doing she was horrified and expressed her great concern. We could not see the danger in rolling down the driveway in our little Radio Flyer Red Wagon….afterall we had looked for cars!
Our little wagon also served as our tram when we played Silver Dollar City with William, Tricha, Stephen and Shane. We would attach the wagon to the back of one of our bikes with a jump rope, load the wagon with passengers and trail throughout the neighborhood as though we were taking our passengers to our favorite Amusement Park.
Some days spark more thoughts than others…I guess this is one of those days…Many more thoughts are trickling through my mind but I shall save them to share for yet another day.

I wanted to tell Landen about Field Day

Today I really wanted to call Landen to tell him a bunch of stuff...especially about the little Field Day at Pope but since he is not here I am am going to write some stuff he would have appreciated.

I arrived a little late and the teacher I work with was almost in tears because the day had been chaos. The kids attacked me with hugs and kisses...which I love...but I want them to follow instruction so it is difficult to soak in the love and reciprocate.

The kids from my class had won every event!

We lined the kids up once again and they had me participate in the VERMONT ICE CREAM RACE relay...so I ran a race with my little friends.

A parent bought the entire classroom ice cream cones but we had to wait an eternity for them so while we waited we took pictures with the camera. A couple of the kids were quite the photographers.

Ice Cream...YES...an entire primitive concession stand for FIELD DAY! Funnel Cakes...French Fries...Ice Cream ...Sodas...This I had never heard or seen!!! The Funnel Cakes and Fries were fried over little pots on the ground...just how they cook in Haiti.

It was hot and the kids were tired, thirsty and bored because it was not a well-organized event. Parents were all over the place and we could only hope that kids were going home with the correct people. SCARY!

The kids were all mad at me because I didn't help them with their TUG OF WAR. They thought if I would have helped their class team (TEAM ORANGE) would have won! When we got back into the classrooom, because he was not supposed to be talking, one little boy wrote on the board "Why didn't you help us?". I had to explain that it was against the rules for me to help with the TUG OF WAR. Haha... Number 1 - they must think I am strong. Number 2- they think I am one of them and not an assistant.

I love my class at Pope...and I think they know that and return love. I surprised them for their Valentine's Day party and some of them were so surprised they exclaimed "I can't believe you came, Miss Larissa! I can't believe it!" ...then another little guy piped up, "Of course Miss Larissa would come!!! It's Valentine's Day!".

Landen and I kept a list of African American names that we loved...I have a few to add

Shamiraka

Ashanti

Zourianna

Myana

Landen's favorite was forever "Avita". He came back from an internship and we named a puppet "Avita" because he loved it so much.

A letter from Susie...

I just got this little email message from Susie Davey- Landen's Pastor's wife in Albany:
...So many times Keith and I think of Landen. Miss him so. There is still nobody like him. One of his older youth boys just had a son-named him Landen. Really took me by surprise because this kid was in and out, mom usually messed up on crack n they re not around anymore. But just got email thngs are better now and he named his son after Landen. Thinking of an innr city kid named landen still makes me say hmmm. Wonder what the street version of that name could become-ha ha. But knowing the impact landen must hav had on ths kid is amazing. God is still moving through his life while here in albany. Lov u! Wish we could c u sometime. Susie



I have to admit this made me smile this morning.
After Landen died I was sitting at the kitchen table sharing my heart with my friend and neighbor, Laura McFarland. She encouraged me to pray that the seeds Landen planted would be watered and harvested. I began to pray just that...Life is such a puzzling mystery at times but thank God we know the creator and He is taking care of everything!
Landen did ABSOLUTELY love those kids in Albany...along with his wife Joyanna.

Dolly Parton...Jesus and Gravity

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gyqjSn-q34
My friend Justin and I went home to Missouri this past week. It was so good to be with my family...of course I greatly missed my brother being there. It was always more fun with Landen! However I am thankful for every moment.
While travelling back we stopped in Nashville and happened upon Dolly Parton's "Trinkets and Treasures" shoppe downtown. Inside they were playing this song...Something lifting me up... and I remarked, "Wow! This is almost a song about Jesus!" then the course kicked in and sure enough it was!!!
Landen and I always enjoyed a bit of Dolly. Growing up we used to watch one of her movies every Christmas called, "Smoky Mountain Christmas". In fact the last month of Landen's life one her songs (Coat of Many Colors) played on the mix at Starbucks everyday and he would sing it to make fun... I can still hear him!
He would have loved that I got my picture made at the shoppe and better yet that I was posting one of Dolly's songs. The words to the song are actually quite rich and a testimony of how God does uphold us everyday. So true...

Herschend Family Entertainment

Last night I was notified that the new show on CBS "Undercover Boss" was sending Joel Manby to some of Herchend Family properties to see the job that their employees do. It was a very enjoyable show.

http://www.cbs.com/primetime/undercover_boss/video/

My family and I worked for Herschend Family Entertainment. I only had the privilege to work at Celebration City but my mom, dad and brother worked for Celebration and Silver Dollar City.

Growing up Silver Dollar City was ALWAYS our favorite place to visit. They are voted #1 in the amusement industry. They are very God- Family oriented, friendly, clean and a joy to work for. The people who work for Herschend are a true family who pull together in the good and bad times. When my mom found out she had cancer all of my mom and dad's's friends/ coworkers at Silver Dollar City pulled together to help with funds, visitation and filling shifts so she could keep her job. Then Landen died and "the family" was there..including managers and such.

I began working at Celebration City at a time when nothing was working out for me...NO ONE wanted to give me a job not even Ruby Tuesday's...My brother suggested me working with him...so I applied...then Mr. Hunt gave me a job and all of my managers encouraged me and made me feel worth something and I loved my job until God opened the door for me to go to Minnesota.

The best company!!!

I don't think words could ever describe my thankful heart toward them. I pray God's continual blessing upon them as they try to do business the right way,

Next week I am going home!!! I get to take a friend with me and I am so excited to take her to Silver Dollar City!

Mary Poppins

One of mine and my brother's most favorite movies was "Mary Poppins". The first time we saw it was around Easter. We had just received colorful umbrellas in our Easter Baskets. Mine was Pink with Black dots. We used our umbrellas to float in the air like Mary Poppins, playing hours and hours then watching and re watching the colorful musical.

They summer of my internship I was alone for abit and couldn't sleep in the night. Landen was working at Celebration City so he was up late. I called one night and he said, "I am so tired I can't talk...but too tired I can't sleep." So I suggested watching a movie over the phone. The only movie we each had was "Mary Poppins"...so we started the movies at the same time to make sure they were sinqued then enjoyed the nostalgic children's musical together....TIMELESS!

This week I have been so tired I can not sleep and not long ago my friend Johnny gave me the treasure of "Mary Poppins", so I pulled it out and popped it into the DVD player and let Mary's world come alive and bring happiness to my heart!

Kim and Kimi

I must be honest….today is an extremely tough day. It should be no surprise because yesterday at GOkids we talked about Job and “I will worship God in the good times and Bad times”. I feel as though I have and as I said in Life Group last night, “I feel God has blessed me in a thriving environment as I continue to worship Him in the good and bad times.”. Today is just a tough day.
I woke up mad that Landen was gone. I felt awful because I thought that I was beyond that. I am not at mad at God…just mad Landen is gone. At the thought it feels like a knife stabbing my heart and my eyes are so stinking drippy.
I got up…spent some time with God…made a big breakfast…cleaned and as I was cleaning my office I found many momentous treasures. Things from friends, notes from loved ones and many little random items Landen had given me. One thing in particular I ran into was my little Kimi figurine from Japan. Landen had the Kim figurine.
Kim and Kimi are little red headed fairies from Japan who are believed to live in a specific tree. I can’t remember what the trees are called but they are smaller trees with wide trunks and have multiple branches going every which way! The fairies exist so that no child ever has to play alone. If a child feels alone all they have to do is call out for Kim or Kimi to come play and these little red headed fairies will plop out of the trees to play. Itsuko told us this story and laughed because she said Landen and I could be Kim and Kimi. (Kim is the boy and Kimi is the girl). We bought these little figurines to tie on to our cell phones but I ended up taking mine off to preserve it from the rough beating my cell phone seems to endure. I wonder what ended up with Landen’s “Kim”?
At Rumukub Village in Okinawa we took a picture hanging from the branches of a “ and Kimi tree”. Of course that was before we had digital cameras so sadly I have not a picture to post…only the lovely thought.
My prayer used to be, “Lord make me genuine and authentic”. I guess all of this has been shaping me to answer that prayer. In order for something to be genuine and authentic it must be tested and tried. I MUST endure! There is no option. I just miss Landen…but someday…SOMEDAY…we’ll get to spend eternity running and jumping, hanging from the trees in heaven.
I wonder what Landen is doing in Heaven today? Do you ever wonder that about your loved ones? It would be fun to know…maybe. Enough thoughts for now…

Panera Hazlenut Cofffee = Sleepless Nights

It is 2:41 in the morning and I am WIDE awake!
…Why?...
…Because of endless cups of Hazelnut coffee at Panera this evening. I can not sleep and a thick fog of endless thoughts now looms about me. I remember this happening a time before. I was in college and I had been studying at Panera drinking one cup after another of delicious Hazlenut coffee. I watched every hour pass throughout the night and the next day I still surged with energy. I can only hope to be so fortunate once again tomorrow. Many times I studied accompanied by coffee late into the night and my sleep was rarely hindered;however Panera Hazlenut coffee seems to affect my sleep. Although I enjoy coffee ‘very muchly’ it always seems to take quite a while for me to accomplish a cup from Starbucks and the like. I usually conserve about 1/3 to ½ of a cup for later. Panera is about the only place I could seriously sit down and drink cup after cup of warm, delicious coffee.
Many times I would be walking holding a cup of coffee to my 7:25a.m. class of the semester ( for I had not one semester without an early class) and run into Landen. One day Landen shook his head and said, “How in the world do you find time to race to Starbucks before an early morning class?” When I expressed how I had warmed it from the night before Landen was thoroughly disgusted.
I don’t know if I shall watch every hour pass tonight or if I may get a couple of hours of rest. Rest would be good. I was laying here thinking only moments ago about another time I was sleepless. That particular time I rose to the bathroom to make a change about myself. I chose to cut my hair. That night I eliminated about 5 to 6 inches of my red hair. I had started out with the thought of putting some layers into my hair…then side bangs…then chop-snip-chop-snip…I had a full-blown haircut! Alarmed at my own randomness I phoned my brother immediately even though it was 3 in the morning.
“I just would like to tell you that I am not crying but I am quite alarmed with myself.”
“What did you do?”
“I cut my hair. 5 to 6 inches. Layers…side bangs… and everything!”
“Right now? It’s 3 in the morning!!! Larissa this is why you should not make decisions at late into the night! Well…how does it look?”That night I discovered that I had a surprise gifting of cutting hair because it looked pretty good and was completely even. The next day I even received many compliments. I only told a select few that I was the one who randomly cut my own hair in the middle of the night.
Landen and I loved to stay up late together. The summer we both worked at Celebration City we didn’t get home until 11:30 or midnight so we were terribly hungry and awake. We would make stuff to eat and watch some Feature Family Film movie or talk. I am so glad for that summer. That was also the summer that Landen and Joyanna started talking…so I had to share Landen for part of the night. As the summer progressed the phone conversations grew longer and I lost more time with Landen but he was happy. The most memorable of phone conversations was the night Joyanna was house-sitting for some people and the dogs got loose and she spent hours trying to get them back all the while being on the phone with my brother. While he talked I would shower or play the piano (which I am positive my sleeping parents thoroughly enjoyed).
Wow…that all seems a lifetime ago! An entirely happy lifetime ago. God has been turning mourning into dancing and sorrow into joy. I will ALWAYS miss Landen and ALWAYS wish he could just be here for EVERYTHING but God has been so good in the midst of sadness. I am happy. God has blessed me with a great job and excellent friends - new and old… I have my mom and dad who love me so very much, a wonderful extended family and a lovely sister-in-law…An incredible church and so much more…it’s just a different chapter in life or sometimes it feels like a whole other book! There is so much I would love to get Landen’s “take” on or that I want to tell him but somehow this crazy little blog helps with that. I could use a “Landen hug” right now. A “Landen hug” was firm and made me feel like everything was alright. It is alright…just miss him…that’s all.
I am afraid I am going to have to just MAKE myself close my eyes… I have chatted about everything from coffee to haircuts to phone conversations and sentiments… It is now 3:27 and I can not allow myself to loom in this fog any longer. I am now starving and I may just have to pull out the Buttercream Gang (a Feature Family Film if you are not familiar with such a movie title) to land myself in dream land.

"Perm"

So...Justin and I were riding to church this evening and I was talking to her about the sign in between Ford's Colony that reads,
"Please do not play on the hill (berm)".
Justin said that she had thought "berm" was spelled b-u-r-m...
but no...
definitely b-e-r-m.
"Oh, like 'perm'?" she asked.
I laughed because I recalled "perm" being a word that Landen very much enjoyed hearing me say. I still have no idea why...he just enjoyed hearing me say "perm" and would try to trick me into saying it. When I would forget and speak out the word he would laugh and laugh and say, "Say it again. What do ladies put in their hair to make it curly?"
"A perm."
He also loved going to candle stores and opening the lids to candles, then smelling them and passing them multiple times under your nose to see how many times he could get you to smell without you noticing. My Aunt Debbie was the greatest smelling glutton!

March 1st

This weekend I journeyed to Charlotte to celebrate my little cousin’s birthday. On the way there my mind was filled with memories…of course! I remembered this one Fall Break Landen and I went to Manhattan, KS to visit our cousins Lyndsi and Grant. It was his Freshman and my Junior year. We had such great conversation during our traveling time. We stopped in Topeka and shopped a bit. I remember he bought a pair of dress shoes. I can’t remember why? I bought Strawberry Shortcake pajama bottoms. I am so thankful for these times to look back on and feel that warm ooey gooey brownie feeling inside.
Today is Landen’s day of birth. I remember the day he was born…I believe I shared that story in the first post…
Happy Birthday, Landen.
You know out of the millions of celebrations given to me over the years I can only remember a handful of celebrations for my brother. I actually pulled off a surprise party for him when we were in college but very few memories of Landen celebrations.
March was always an interesting time to have a birthday. He never cared if we made a big deal out of his birthday or not. A lot of times my parents resorted to the Chuckie Cheese Birthday parties with a couple of friends. A few years it snowed on his birthday so we had sledding parties and they were fun.
There is one birthday in particular that I remember. I was in 5th Grade and had become a finalist in a spelling bee with an invitational to State. I was so excited and so proud until I discovered the Spelling Bee was on March 1st. I decided not to tell my parents, yet somehow they found out that I had been hiding my accomplishment. They asked me why I hadn’t told them. I told them that I didn’t want my brother to have to spend his birthday at a stupid spelling bee. Landen found out and was insistent that I attend. March 1st came around. We went and I did not win. Landen put his little 2nd Grade arm around my shoulders and told me that he thought he had the smartest sister out of all the others. (I have a picture somewhere...I'll have to locate it.) We then went out to celebrate Landen’s birthday.
This was Landen…selfless and absolutely incredible!He would be 25 today.
It seems absolutely impossible that he is not here but he is not.
I loved him.

In A World of Black and White

Today I am wearing BLACK and WHITE. That used to be all that I wore. All that I liked. All that I saw. I thought it was classic...which it is but Landen felt that I needed to embrace COLOR. So if anyone has any complaints of what a COLORFUL person I have become that would have to be blamed on Landen.
I remember shopping with my brother and him saying, "What about those red shoes?"
"Landen, RED does not go with everything and it stands out too much!"
"That's the point, "S"! ...and red goes with more than you think."
So I would try the red shoes and surprisingly enough I found more than one outfit to tango with the shoes.
I had a black sweater which I enjoyed wearing with everything and he encouraged me to give it up for blue.
Landen would get me the most ridiculous looking jewelry and accessories as gifts but when tried on it was difficult to go back to my plain and sensible BLACK and WHITE world.
Not long ago a friend asked me where I got all of my ridiculous jewelry and if I wore it because I actually liked it. I laughed and asked, "Why? Don't YOU like it?"
"Well, it's just I have never seen the stuff you wear anywhere else?"
Again, I laughed and told him about my brother who helped me to embrace COLOR...and that all of this stuff is all round...you just have to see it!
The other day I was telling Mary Lou the story of me painting my blue wall in my apartment...another story....and she said she would think that it would have to be that way. She couldn't imagine Larissa to be somewhere where there was not COLOR. I suppose that is the true thought that triggered this little jaunt...
Well there you go...
Landen taught me to be wise but fun. One does not always have to be sensible...just not completely foolish!
He taught me to live my life with a splash of COLOR embracing everyday with the creative prayer of "Lord, what can you make of today?". Life is so much more enjoyable with COLOR!

You Hold Me Now

So this morning I journeyed to Raleigh for a meeting. It was an odd morning because I had some more dreams about Landen. The dreams are kind of ridiculous. They have to do with me trying to tell him something but I never get to because I am hiding him or I can't catch him. Apparently I have much to tell him...
Anyway, the drive reminded me too much of the drive I took that October morning to the airport. I felt sick to my stomach but numb. I prayed and God filled my mind with peace and this little song poured through the speakers of my little Tracker. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qx2-Inc8TkA
At the meeting I discovered one of our children's pastors from North Carolina lost his wife this morning to some condition of the heart. My heart immediately pained for him. He is in my deepest thoughts and prayers.
I am so thankful God Holds Me anytime at any place.
He's just the glue that holds all of the intricate pieces of this girl together!!!
There are so many people going through so much today...I've talked with 3 people just this morning...Situations of life are never always fully understood but God holds all things together and someday it will all make sense. That is when our faith becomes sight. We may just have to wait for heaven for it all to make sense but in the meantime our minds can be in perfect peace when they are stayed on Him.

I Found a Card...

Yesterday I was going through some old boxes and came across some of my college graduation cards. My favorite of course was this winner from my brother. If there was ever any question in my mind that my brother was the BEST brother in the world ...IF being the key word...that question was cancelled.
The card read:
FRONT:
Sister, Just by being your unique and wonderful self, you show the world what you can achieve...
INSIDE:
I couldn't be more proud of you.
Happy Graduation with Love
HE WROTE:
Larissa,
This card is exactly what I wanted to say! I don't know if you know just how much that I look up to you and always have, but it is alot! You are so amazing and I know God is going to use you more than you know. I am so thankful for the time we've had at CBC, but even more so as siblings growing up. I pray that we always remain close no matter the miles or anything else in between us. For now, though, I want to say Congratulations for all of your accomplishments. Don't be afraid to take risks for God or let him take you past your "incapabilities". I am so proud to call you my sister and to see you graduate on into full-time ministry. What a fulfilling life. I know you will touch many lives and I know that God is smiling proud as can be upon your life today! I love you!
Landen


And I loved him soooo much...
Goodness...I was so proud of him...always. I hope he knew how much. I wish I could tell him again. I guess that is why I love posting on this little blog...because I want everyone to know how amazing Landen really was.
He pushed me to go beyond what I thought I could do and fall on Jesus and get back up with His strength!
March 1st is his birthday. It's funny how the heart knows that before your mind registers. Cloudy weather does not seem to help either but all is well and I will see him again soon. Until then...
I will live life to the fullest!

I am a PROMISE!

So... this weekend I went SNOWBOARDING for the very first time! I had never been skiing or anything of the sort...but absoluteIy loved it and want to go again! I took ALOT of falls but God gave me strength to keep getting up. Landen would have been so proud of me! He was always encouraging me to try something new and different. At the end of the day just before I returned my things I decided to try the slope ONE MORE TIME...I went down the entire slope ( a smaller slope but a slope nevertheless) without falling once and got off of the ski lift without even faltering!!! I was so thrilled!

All of that to say...yesterday I was extremely tired but I must have been too tired because my mind felt like some sort of a chase scene from Bourne Identity. There were literally so many thoughts filtering through my mind I could not stop talking!!! My friend Justin endured story after story after story after story yesterday...thanks Justin.

Anyway one of the stories made me smile...it was about Landen and his PROMISE song. I had the privilege of attending college with two of my cousins and brother (my junior and senior years). We loved eating lunch together...except Tuesday's which were fasting days for students...just like Wednesday's were pizza days in Zee's!
Anyway this is usually when we had the chance to hang out because our schedules were so entirely ridiculous... between work, school, and church we were booked. So our regiment following daily chapel services was to check mail, then stand in line at Zee's to get lunch, eat lunch then hurry to afternoon classes. Most of the time we spent more time in line then eating but we enjoyed catching up with each other while waiting in the eternal line. We talked about classes and schedules and relationships and what God was doing. If anyone was feeling too down or discouraged (not just in our little family but all around) Landen would put his arm around them and begin to sing...his favorite song which came from one of the cassette tapes we used to listen to at bedtime when we were children. The cassette was "KING OF MY HEART" and the song was "I AM A PROMISE" ...but he switched around the words to sing:

YOU are a PROMISE

YOU are a POSSIBILITY

YOU are a PROMISE with a capital "P"

YOU are a great big bundle of POTENTIALITY

and if you listen, you can hear God's voice and keep on trying to make the right choice

YOU are a PROMISE to be ANYTHING God wants ...

YOU are a PROMISE to be ANYTHING God wants ...

YOU are a PROMISE to be ANYTHING God wants YOU to be!!!

There were many times we sang together and others that I just sat back and watched as my brother ministered out the fullness of his life in Christ. Real JOY! And that part is still alive...because it is God's joy of promise within our lives. It carries through every uncertain moment. It helps us to get up every time we fall. It is God's design for us to share that JOY with others and our responsibility to embrace that gift of JOY which comes from God! It brings purpose and meaning to every life!

I actually found some versions on youtube if you want to check out the cheery little tune! Come to find out Veggie Tales even did a spunky rendition...who would know!?! I am sure that it will make your day as God used Landen to make so many days with this "promising" song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEsb6UgWNYE&feature=related

Remember: YOU are a PROMISE!

Too Many Funerals

There have been too many funerals as of recent.
They make me think.
Maybe too much...but it is good too. My heart hurts for the loved ones.
I can't help but regret not standing up to say something when Landen died. To be honest I thought I would just burst into tears and for about 2 weeks after Landen died my memory went completely blank. This scared me deeply. I never want to forget the incredible brother I had. He isn't one that just comes a dime a dozen...
so I have decided to work on a eulogy for my beloved brother.

Valentine's Day

Anyone who knew Landen personally knows that he had an AMAZING gift of making anyone feel of extreme value. I know many felt this from him.

There was a lady in Albany named Thomasina who told my mom that the thing that impressed her most about my brother was that he loved her without caring what she had been before she met the Lord. He showed no partiality and saw everyone with purpose and value.

Landen was always proud of me ...even when I felt there was nothing to be proud of. Sometimes I was so embarrassed to meet new people who he had talked to about me before I met them because I felt that there was no way to measure up to the way he spoke about me.

Valentine's Day was an extra special day for our family. My mother taught us that it is not just a holiday for "lovers" but for EVERYONE to express their love and appreciation toward one another. As many across our nation we bought small gifts and designed cards ...anything we could think of to make others feel special.

As we grew older Landen would have dates for Valentines Day but he would always squeeze me in. I remember one year in college Landen took out his girlfriend, then took our cousin Jocelyn for ice cream and me out after work just so that we were all cared for and felt special on VALENTINE'S DAY! He thought it most important.

Landen got married.

Landen loved and adored his wife.

...so much so that I had a dream about how much he loved her last night.

Even then...the last Valentine's Day Landen was alive he sent to me a package. Inside was a card (I loved Landen's cards!), a take-along- coffee mug with hearts on it and a Starbucks giftcard.

Wasn't he just the best brother?

He did even more beautiful things for his wife.

I guess that is why it hurts so much that he is away.

I love you, Landen...even though you are far away!

In a mug...

HEYSHUGG

This morning on my way to the church office I travelled behind a car whose license plate read "HEYSHUGG". Landen went through this phase where he enjoyed calling me "SHUGG" but I absolutely hated it which only caused him to call me by that name all the more. Mom tired of hearing us go back and forth so she insisted that Landen not call me "SHUGG" anymore. He didn't. He spelled it, but he spelled it S-U-G-A-R. The entire spelling got to be too lengthy so he shortened it first to S-U-G then just to "S" which my cousins Stephen and Shane also adopted for me. Once Shane had a friend visiting form Korea and we were playing frisbee in the park and Shane continually referred to me as "S". Of course, that is his name for me. Later, when the two guys were alone Shane's friend said, "Shane, I just have one question. Why do you call your cousin 'ASS'?" Shane laughed then explained the entire story!
For one of my birthday's Landen got me a mug with a music note handle and read"Sugar Sugar".
A few weeks ago Shane recieved a pin with an "S" on it because he was one of the top sharpshooters in his navy "whatever"...anyway he has to wear it on his heart and he said it makes him think of me. Isn't that dear?

Finally Posting Entries from Christmas Travels

I am flying home for Christmas. It has been quite a while since I have had a free moment to jot down a few memories but of course the season has me flooded with memories.
I am running on 2 hours of in-and-out sleep…and sitting by a lady with 2 daughters from Jersey Shores. The couples behind me look as though they have been married for 50 plus years and have talked loudly about everything from politics to the changes of Delta airlines. Before we left Detroit they called someone and the man told the lady everything to tell the other person on the other end of the phone while the lady was telling the previous things he told her to say. All in all they make me smile!
The lady from Jersey Shores is a stressed out case and greeted me by throwing a pile of coats into the seat next to me. She situated her two little girls in the seats across the aisle then plopped down in the seat where the coats had been just in time for the flight attendant to impatiently whiz by and demand people take their seats. The flight attendant nearly tripped over one of the lady's coats which now lay on the floor. I think this woman is deserving of a restful trip so I shall try to allow her that…however she has been chatting with me off and on since I started writing!
So this reminds me of exciting traveling adventures with my brother. A few years ago, our dear friend Itsuko Tiarra blessed us with a trip to visit her in Okinawa, Japan. There are sooooo many stories from that traveling adventure. It took like 16-18 hours to get there (I honestly can not remember). I just remember after 8 hours I thought we were almost there so I went back to the bathroom to freshen up. When I returned Landen asked me what in the world I had been doing. I told him I wanted to freshen up before we landed and he laughed. He said that we had a good 7 hours left in our journey! I argued with him because it did not appear to be that far on the little map showing on the screen in front of us but sure enough Landen was right!
One of my times back to the bathroom I met this guy. He was a marine or something…I honestly do not remember…but this interaction I do remember because it was so random.
There was a line so of course we started to talk then he said… “You are so beautiful…Do you know that?”…I just laughed…then he began to sing and dance out some song about me being beautiful… I had nothing to say but “well, thank you”…then I sat down rather taken back and asked Landen if he had heard what had just happened….but he cut me off and said “Just sit down.”. He seemed rather annoyed by the situation which made it even funnier to me…Great memories with my brother.

Today we traveled back to Oklahoma from Missouri in an ice storm. The roads were ridiculously slick. My first Christmas in Minnesota Landen traveled back with me after our celebrations to celebrate the New Year then travel back to Missouri with our cousins Stephen and Andrea. This was the only time Landen was able to visit me in Minnesota.

On the way home we stopped for lunch in Omaha with Aunt Sharon, Ronda and Abby then we journeyed on only to get caught in one of the worst blizzards I have ever driven through. It took us 3 hours to get from Sioux Falls, South Dakota to Watertown South Dakota! We went 15 mph for quite a while and were about the only ones on I29. Landen begged for me to let him take over driving because I was so stressed but my pride and independence would not allow me to let my younger brother take over.
Once we miraculously made it to Watertown we exited and looked for a place to stay. We ended up at a cabin lodge and spent the night waiting for the roads to open the next morning so I could get back to work. While I was home I saw a post card laying out on my dad’s stand was a post card I sent from the cabin lodge at which we stayed! In the postcard I had thanked my dad for such a wonderful holiday and told him about our traveling adventure in the blizzard. I know this for sure…I never want to be stuck in something like that again but I couldnt think of anyone else to share such an adventure with!

Abby Lee this Christmas (2009)

I got a guitar for Christmas! Landen ALWAYS suggested that would be the instrument for me because I could take it anywhere. Ever since he died I have had the desire to start to play …I guess because of his suggestion…I’m going to give it my best.