This Morning...

There are some days that I awake and I just feel mad. I hate it but I do. Usually it is after I have a dream about Landen, but it always ends the same…he’s dead. Well, this morning was one of those mornings. I awoke hugging my little bear Landen gave to me even though I really do not care for stuffed animals…he got it for my 21st Birthday. When you pinch the paw it says “Larissa, you are the best sister anyone could ask for and my best friend. I hope you have a happy birthday and I hope you know I will always be there for you.”…maybe it was that last line that got me…he didn’t know that he wasn’t going to be here for me but it felt like it was a lie…it wasn’t…but it sure felt like it was. He would be here if he could. I know better than to go into full questioning why he had to go or what in the world happened…I really do have hope in Christ…my emotions are just upset. Needlesstosay…I feel mad and that alone makes me even more angry. Why does this always seem to happen when I have a lot to do or I don’t have time to deal or process? I miss him so much and I certainly do not know what to do about it but talk to God because nothing can replace my brother.

"You've had SIX boyfriends!"

I’m sitting in a random coffee shoppe…however I don’t know that it can fully be classified as such…it is as though a small North Carolina town tried create a coffee shoppe but could not quite grasp the concept of an authentic place to meet and drink the best warm beverage of all…I shouldn’t knock it too badly because there is mysteriously something about entering this establishment which makes me feel as though I am suddenly walking inside a movie…and the coffee is not half-bad, either... It is a very interesting place indeed!
Landen would be so proud of me for discovering such a place. He was always a fan of discovering “hole in the wall” places and was a pretty great critic at that. If you ever wanted to know where to go and where not to go you would ask Landen Reimer. He was like a Former’s travel book in and of himself and I delighted in being apart of many of his adventures.
This memory really has nothing to do with him being an adventurer or travel book or anything of the sort but I have been chuckling quietly to myself all morning about this memory and need to blog about it to share it the cyberspace world…
One night in college Landen and some friends and I went to study at Barnes and Noble. First of all we were disgusted because there were no more available tables in the café so we had to settle down to study at the incredibly awkward tiny tables in the Junior’s department… we had a lot to study…it was getting later by the second… if I remember correctly they even messed up one of our drinks…then no one could study because Landen had just gone out with this girl the night before who at the time he thought was the most incredible girl he had ever met but was not sure what his next move was to be… so after sharing all of his thoughts to a group of stressed friends who tried to listen in between reading thick books and memorizing terms and definitions, he began to seek counsel from our friend Roxanne Gibbert who was entirely in tune with what Landen was sharing. By this time in order to concentrate on the pressing subjects before us I had moved a few steps away into the Storytime area…two of our other friends were by the Curious George display and yet another friend moved away entirely from the group to the Beverly Cleary’s Romana series…Landen and Roxanne were still at the awkwardly tiny table in the Junior’s department of Barnes and Noble. My ears heard bits and pieces of their conversation as I tried focusing in on my terms and definitions for Child Growth and Development…I heard Roxanne talk about her diverse dating life and some experiences she had…she and Landen grew louder in conversation as he exclaimed a few things and disagreed with a few of her experiences…I was annoyed so I grabbed the little Captain Underpants doll sitting next to me and threw him as hard as I could at the two people sitting at the awkwardly tiny table in the back of the Junior’s department in Barnes and Noble. Out of nowhere a stern and fearsome bookseller appeared… I thought” great…I do almost nothing… then I do something and I get in trouble!”…so I began to apologize until I discovered she knew nothing about the Captain Underpants doll…she had come to confront Landen and Roxy about their adult conversations in the Junior’s department! I guess some overly concerned mother expressed her disapproval of their conversation and demanded the bookseller to take care of the situation... now it should be noted that Landen and Roaxanne definitely did not talk about sexual behavior or anything of the sort…only the basics of relationships and communication…They tried to convince the bookseller that they had talked nothing of the sort but she like King Agrippa was almost persuaded but not convinced. The best part of it was 2 of us were wearing CBC hoodies! What a glorious testimony!
Landen was mortified…Roxanne thought it was hilarious…I couldn’t believe it…and some of the others were just annoyed…we sat around and tried to figure out what the overly concerned mother could have picked up on that she did not want her little 8 year old to hear… the only thing we could figure out was at toward the beginning of the conversation Roxanne had mentioned she had had 6 serious boyfriends to this particular date…Landen unbelievably exclaimed, “You’ve had 6 boyfriends!”…but Landen always spoke with a little different accent so when said “six” often it sounded like “sex”…so the overly concerned mother must have heard, “You’ve had SEX with your boyfriends!”…when we finally concluded with this it was definitely time to go home because we could hold back laughter and embarrassment no longer. After my final apology to the booksellers on behalf of our behavior that evening we exited Barnes and Noble to confront all that life had for us.
I will never forget that humorous evening!

September 19th

Well...Today is my birthday...and I wish Landen could be here...this is the first birthday he is not...but my sister-in-law sent me the nicest card and flowers and it was almost like him being here.

I have been surrounded by the most wonderful friends and family... and still my heart aches because I miss Landen...but it's ok and I am thankful for everyone. Everyone has been so patient and loving towards me. They have gone above and beyond to help me feel special and loved<3

Nothing was ever too big of a surprise when it came to gifts with Landen and I. We would always tell what each other was going to receive then act overly surprised as we dramatically opened gifts. It must have been quite the production!

I remember when I got my bike (age 12)...Landen told me my gift was locked in the basement and through a series of questions and answers I soon discovered I was getting a bike for my birthday...the only details I did not know was the color or the size! Haha...

One of my favorite birthday's was a surprise (#22)... First of all...we went to St.Louis on the weekend with a bunch of friends (Landen and Joyanna happened to be in the same car on this trip and "got to know one another")... Landen, Joyanna, Kim, Matt, Stephen, Andrea, Itsuko, Roxy, Kristen and I...My only request was I did not want to have to make any decisions so Landen directed our fun schedule throughout the day as we explored St. Louis. The Spaghetti Factory, the Arch, the Zoo and Union Station. We even played a game of Mafia in the park that evening in the middle of some festival! That Sunday night, I returned to the house and more of my friends were present....Landen had set up YET another surprise PIRATE party for my birthday! (September 19th is National Pirates Day...and I have always had a special interest in pirates)...the surprises that year were endless!

This year, I am surprised he is not here. I always thought he would be and I miss him so very much...but I am SO thankful that neither one of us forsook celebrating life because we imagined we would always be here. I do not regret celelbrating life.

So...celebrate life, everyday with the ones you hold dear and never take for granted each breath God gives you to breathe alongside the ones you love!

I am thankful for the dear ones in my life! Thank you for making this day special!

Wonder Woman

This morning was one of those mornings I had to tell myself Landen was not here...I woke up excited from last night's Superhero Nite at church with the kids, picked up my phone to call my brother and tell him all about it...but ...I can't. Strangest thing when you forget that your brother is dead...kind of leaves you feeling strange for the entire day.
I knew he would seriously appreciate Superhero Nite. Landen quietly loved superheroes... As a little boy he had all kinds of little figurines that he would play with outside...one of which being a Wonder Woman figurine which we had received in a Happy Meal or something...I can not remember where we got them (because we definitely both had one in our mix of toys!). I remember playing in the sand or at the park with these little figurines ...(Wizard of Oz characters, a little man that looked like a pastor with moving arms and legs, Wonder Woman, and a few little GI Joe Men)... The figurines would find themselves being thrown down the slide, drowning in water, or buried in sand or leaves but Wonder Woman was always there to save the day! She was always heroic...I think it was the red boots!
Anyway, not long ago I was going through a difficult time in life...Landen was always quick with encouragement ...One day, I received a package in the mail...it was a little blue hand mirror with Wonder Woman on it! He had a special little card which accompanied that read something like: If you ever question how wonderful you are look this mirror and see the Wonderful Woman God created you to be!...we liked those kind of cheezy things:)
...all of that to say...he would have appreciated Superhero Nite!

Lunch break...

Today is another NON-STOP day...It seems as though there have been alot of those recently...so I'm glad I brought my lunch. I actually bring my lunch quite abit but I used to always take my lunch to work. Back in highschool, when I worked at Wal-Mart Landen liked to pack my luch every once in a while. I could rarely eat all of the lunch he packed for me! He always thought eating was very important.

...this one time I remember specifically he packed a whole sandwhich, 4 thick slices of cheese, pickles, chips,a Little Debbie snack and pudding.

When we worked at Celebration City together we enjoyed packing our lunches together. Then, we would get home so late that we would eat like Ramen Noodles or something when we got home ( around midnight) and watch a Feature Family Films movie.

Back to work...

Monday...

There are so many memories today....Maybe it is because it is Monday...or it is a wonderful Autumn day...or maybe it is just because I miss my best little friend in the world.

I have had a pretty productive day. I awoke to the sounds of emergency sirens zooming by and cool breezes filtering through my window...very much like the morning my Dad called to let me know that my brother was not breathing and I needed to pray. I didn't want to get up but I did and I am glad that I met this Monday.

I journeyed down the stairs to make some breakfast...I opened every window to let the sun shine in, filled my coffee pot and began to stir up some blueberry pancakes...while I cooked and cleaned abit I chatted with my mom and dad...then baked some banana bread and talked with Joyanna...while cleaning the windows I smiled as I remembered one day we were cleaning in preparation of some relatives coming and Landen and I were arguing about something...I told Landen I was so mad at him and probably pinched or slapped him...who knows...but I remember he took my Windex from me and sprayed my hair...I was soooo mad for like 10 seconds then we laughed ridiculously!

Today I enjoy being alone...the only person I never minded being around when I feel like this was Landen. We were like an interval...two little notes on a stem...playing in harmony through life...now I'm but a melody in the Reimer family song of life...there are other songs to be played throughout life and I am thankful for the ones God has placed upon the musical staff of those...He has made sure that I am never alone. I just miss my harmonic note!

I was thinking about Landen...what would we do with a day like today? We would embrace every moment...drinking coffees, playing outside, going on walks, shopping, playing music and singing outside, talking...every moment. That is what we would do with a day like today.

Still much to do with today so I must be on my way...

I am so thankful!

Stressful Moments...

So, I am very stressed today...I have alot to accomplish...but I have a trusty cup of coffee and I have asked God to be with me and help me to accomplish and I know that He will help me. I remember many of these feelings during college.

I remember one time studying for finals with my cousin Stephen and Landen. We were incredibly stressed. I get overwelmed and feel a little panicky and have a difficult time concentrating... Stephen gets very serious and melancholy ... Landen just got crazy! We were studying at Barnes and Noble. We had had some great coffee and Stephen was letting out irritated deep sighs ... was restless because I was trying to refrain from talking and being distracted by people I knew and Landen was sitting in a chair doing everything but studying...laughing about things that were not even funny. I still do not know what possessed him but he slouched in his study chair, popped his foot in the air and announced "Everyone, keep your eye on the Foot!"...I couldn't believe this was real!!! Everyone indeed did look but no one laughed right away because I think they were trying to see if this was really happening. Many inquisitive looks. Stephen walked to the bathroom as I sat with my book over my face for what seemed like hours which was only really only a few moments of time...Landen sat back up in his chair and went into studying as if nothing had happened.

Looking back...I laugh...but at the time I was thoroughly embarrassed! I am so glad he did this now. When I am stressed like this I remember to stay focussed...Keep my eye on the foot!

...and as you can see we all made it through college!

Refusing Michael English's Autograph

I was just talking with a friend and Marylou about amazing soloists of the past and Michael English came up! We loved him but before I appreciated his voice I was a humungous fan of Mark Lowry. My brother and I both were.

We were on family vacation...I think I was like 8 and Landen was 6...we saw on a sign where Mark Lowry was going to be where we were along with the Gaither Vocal Band (which Mark and Michael were both singing in). We were completely elated!!!

Mom and Dad took us! Before the service my Mom noticed that Mark was sitting on the back row in the auditorium, so she suggested my brother and I go get his autograph. By the time we reached Mark Lowry another man was sitting next to him. Quiet and shy little Landen stood behind me as I talked with Mark Lowry. We chatted about how we thought he was funny and being ministers kids and getting autographs...when Mark was finished signing our cards he began to hand the pen and cards to the man next to him asking us if we wanted his autograph as well...I said, "Oh no thank you! That's alright. We just wanted yours...thanks." and we returned to our parents and my mom and dad said something about, "That's pretty cool that you got both he and Michael's autograph! SO special!" I said, "No... we didn't get that other guy's autograph." We looked back in the auditorium and Mark was laughing at Michael. We had jsut refused Michael English's autograph!

Mice Droppings

Today Johnny, Paige and I are cleaning out the modular where the mice have taken over! There are boxes full of mice droppings and it makes me sick. It also causes me to recall how much my brother HATED mice. When he and Joyanna moved into their little place in Albany, NY it was definitely rat infested. It was so bad that he told Joyanna they could get a cat to help the problem...AMAZING since he really didn't care for cats either.

The Saturday before Landen died he called me back after playing a week of phonetag for a 2 1/2 hour conversation. The entire time he was working at taking out the window airconditioning unit. I heard...ickk...ugh....ewww... and it was because mice had found their way into the unit and filled it with their wonderful droppings! So on top storing the airconditioner he had to clean it up...bless his heart.

I remember, as kids one time we were working/cleaning at the church. A little mouse scurried across the floor but all we saw was our mom on top of a chair screaming! We teased her about it forever. I don't know of very many people who do like mice other than on Disney cartoons.

Well, going back to clean the modular...

Do you know the Muffin-dog?

This week I am a little dogsitting for some friends. This is not a new thing for me. Landen and I had a dog growing up and dogsat many other dogs. One dog in particular was Muffin. Muffin was a cute poodle/something…she was growing old and she was beginning to lose control of certain things. Everytime her owners would go out of town Landen and I would walk 6 blocks 3-4 times a day to check on little Muffin. It didn’t matter how many times we would check on the little rascal we would have several little logs to pick up and spots to clean on the lightly colored living room carpet. Disgusting! We got to where we detested even the thought of her owners going out of town! The whole job would put Landen and I in a grouchy mode…we would start arguing on our way out the door about who was going to take Muffin out and who was going to clean up the mess… when we arrived we made fun of the one who had to clean up the mess and on the way home we would laugh and create scenerios of what Muffin did when no one was home. It definitely was not the money for which we worked for…we had no idea that you should get paid for such jobs… I remember a couple of times we each got $5 for 4 days…funny...It all racks up as experience…but I’m glad to have had it like that because it taught us that it is not for money we serve or work for but for the satisfaction of a job well done and a need being met. Serving 101…and it was good for us.

* The picture shown is NOT Muffin but our beloved dog Col. McDuff. We got him around Laden's birthday 11 years ago. Landen loved McDuff.

A Snake

Yesterday evening I found myself walking down by the Tar River with a friend...I was talking and not paying attention to the ground as my friend was...all of a sudden she bolted ahead of me jumping and screaming... I paused and asked what..."You just stepped over a snake! A snake! It was green! It was a GREEN SNAKE!!!"

O...Landen would have been so very proud of me to have know that I had been in the presence of a snake and not panicked... of course I had not seen the snake...but it was still in my presence and I had not panicked!

When we lived in Scottbluff/Gering, Nebraska Landen and I would hike the Scottsbluff National Monument quite frequently. It was a pretty good little workout and we loved it. The only part we did not love was the snakes... Me because I could hardly stand to look at a picture in a book of a snake let alone see one for real and Landen because he got tired of me looking for snakes everytime I heard a little noise. We would be talking along and all of a sudden I would hear something...I would say, "shhh...did you hear that?" Landen would start to say, "Larissa, it is noth..." and I would hush him and promise I heard something not letting him speak until I saw what was making the noise. Then we would argue the rest of way up about how I was afraid and I needed to trust God with my life a little more..."Snakes are not looking for Larissa Reimer! Good grief, they are more afraid of you! Can you imagine?"..."Landen, you are just not aware of the dangers of life. I'm not untrusting...I'm cautious!"...and we would go back and forth and back and forth...ridiculous!...but funny to look back on. You know, I believe in all of the times we hiked around that area we saw only 3 or 4 snakes.

A little green purse...

The purse which I am using on this crisp Fall day is the last gift given to me by Landen! It is a little green clutch. He was always famous for picking out the best handbags and accessories for me to try. I was never big on trying new things...especially in fashion stuff but Landen would buy me stuff to at least try ...and usually I would end up liking whatever it was. Thanks, pal!

I credit my drive to try new things to my brother:)

A Backyard Theme Park

I am in between meetings in Raleigh...I find myself at Panera once again...a different one from Saturday...I am outside enjoying another delicious cup of coffee under an umbrella listening to traffic and two African American ladies chatting it up about detoxing. It's a wonderful afternoon, indeed!
There was one definite thing Landen and I differed on...we both loved the outdoors but he absolutly detested eating outdoors! He insisted that everytime you ate outside it began to rain or the wind picked up or the sun was so bright all you could do is squint or bugs would take over...there was ALWAYS something...so knowing how much both he and Joyanna loved eating outdoors I got them a picnic set for their wedding...complete with a beautiful basket!
I ... on the other hand LOVE to eat outdoors no matter what!
The only time I remember Landen loving to eat in the great outdoors was when we were little and we used to play Silver Dollar City outside with our foster brother and sister (William and Tricia). We would make believe our big red wagon was the trolley and take turns pulling William and Tricia up and down the big hill on Crook Street (in Falls City) while the other one of us would talk on the walkie talkie (the other one being in the wagon with our park guests)..."Welcome to Silver Dollar City"! We had memorized everything the tram drivers did complete with ..."Please wait until we say all ashore, folks...alright... all ashore." We developed rides on our swingset and treehouse...the American Plunge, Thunderation, even the Great Shootout... We would be blasting southern gospel music as to set the ambiance of Silver Dollar City and break out a sideshow every once in a while...Our backyard must have been a disaster to onlookers, but to us it was an AMAZING theme park! Our mom even got involved and served us Barbque Sandwhiches on the back deck. She was great to treat us like park guests...the best mom!
Yes, we would spend entire days playing this and we never tired of it!
My mom has pictures!

Little Things

So…I was driving along and guess what? My earring just POPPED right out of my ear! That had not happened in quite a while…Landen believed I was the only one that could be wearing latched earrings that would POP out of my ear for no reason…he would have to spend countless moments helping me look for earrings I was sure I would never see again.He would try buying me special latch earrings for my birthday or whatever…but I had the same issue…over and over again.
Only a small thought…but it made me smile.
I am glad for even the small memories.
Each person leaves behind such a trail of memories. They are everywhere. They can be found in little events such as loosing an earring, drinking a latte or big events like birthday's and anniversaries. I suppose I should have begun this blog earlier in my grief but it seems timing is suited for now. My goal is to write as much as I am able in a year…we’ll see…

God is still present and I am thankful.

The Big Day

September 1,2009 marks 2 years that Landen and Joyanna were married. I will never forget the beautiful day of my brother’s wedding and the wonderful lady that he married. We were in Corning, Iowa. I arrived in Iowa 2 days early to help prepare. We stayed with Rod and Lavaun (Joyanna’s parents) about 45 minutes from the town. Mom and Dad wanted to have a last little lunch before the BIG DAY. The morning of the rehearsal Landen decided he wanted to have a moment just the two of us before everything got chaotic… so we made plans to drive into town together…except in our chipper conversations we lost direction and ended up in the small town of “Clarinda”…I don’t remember how far out of the way…but plenty. We laughed and listened to Big Band music and caught up on life together… I miss that most of all…Landen had the gift of turning any little situation into a grand and glorious story.
Mom and Dad were staying in a mobile home park in their motorhome because there are not a lot of places to stay in Corning, Iowa! We made it to the park, still cheerfully conversating…walked up to what we thought was mom and dad’s place…pounded on the door and to our surprise a man with boxers grumpily answered the door… so astonished and amazed Landen and I speechlessly turned to one another…paused… then busted out in laughter! Unable to understand the situation because we were unable to explain the situation because of our embarrassment and laughter the man slammed the screen. We peered around the camper only to see our mom and dad walking our dog down the road to greet us!!! We all had a moment of explosive laughter. It took us a good 5 minutes to compose ourselves enough to recount the merry little tale.
Everything went so quickly…but everything so meaningful and beautiful…I could not hold back tears…mostly tears of joy. There is one scene which I will never forget. Although precious and priceless it was not the exchanging of the vows, nor the smirks of the groomsmen, nor was it even the look of pride and joy Landen had on his face as his bride strolled down the aisle…it wasn’t the carefully designed and detailed decorating, nor the priceless song Landen wrote and sang for Joyanna… no it was a moment caught by my mother…It is my picture for today and has become probably my favorite picture of Landen and I…
Pictures had been taken…the service was 15 mins away…and Landen and I were headed to the basement of the church to join the rest of the wedding party preparing to take their places.. we paused on the stairs and Landen laughed… he was happy..then he placed his arm around me and squeezed me so tightly I thought I would burst…then he cried…I cried…he told me he was so proud of me and I was priceless…he said “Larissa, I want you to experience this…and you will…I am so happy, scared, nervous, excited…so much!” ..we laughed…my mom was buzzing by snapping photos and she called for our attention…snapped the picture and was on her way…I had the opportunity before Landen let me go to say, “I’m proud of you, Landen! You’re the best brother and I know you’ll make the best husband. I love you!” and we parted.